I always believed that I would never be raped. I was the
safe guarded girl. The one who never went to parties, always protected my
drinks, never walked the same route twice. You were the one I trusted, the
one who I could tell everything too the one who would I thought would
always accept me, I believed you to have so much integrity I would believe
every lie you told me, I would have you escort me places at night, you
always were the one to drive me because you know I hated it. You saw my
social security numbers you knew the pin to my debit card, my deepest
darkest secrets. I told you everything. I loved you, like truly loved you.
The kind of love that I would have done anything for you. And I hated it
because I did not want to be like my mom where I found the love of my life
so young. Yet you were the person I made plans with, the one who felt like
home, the one I turned too when my mom left. You knew every single
insecurity, ally of my dreams and yet that was not enough for you. You
began to be someone I did not recognize, lying, blowing me off for
parties, not showing up in ways that you said you would. Our relationship
had become so toxic that I remember calling my mother asking her what to
do. I was so distraught for the first time I told my mother what was going
on in my love life. Natalie was yelling at me to dump you saying you were
not good enough. But I ended it and it hurt like hell and yet within hours
I felt relief, I felt like I was no longer carrying your burdens. That
relief I felt only lasted 3 days, it ended when I told you to stop to get
off me and when you finally did you pinned me down and continued to finish
on me. I was covered in your secretions literally covered in shame. I had
to drive to my best friend’s apartment, and she knew I was covered in it
and I could not tell her I was forced and so she looked at me with disgust
and I was disgusted everything in me felt violat ed. I did not sleep that
night only cried on a sheetless bed. Then began the worse of it my parents
calling asking about you, and I told them we broke up and they were
shocked. Telling me to text you for your birthday saying you were so good
to me for so long. As you pestered me with apologies, and no one could
figure out why I was not sleeping and why I was having panic attacks. I
wore your shame and wrongdoings as my own. The slightest thing would cause
me to break down to the point that on my trip to Florida all I wanted to
do was tell my mom and she knew something was up. And I could not because
I did not want to ruin her trip. So, I did not tell anyone for 3 weeks,
and when I finally did, I felt worse because I had to accept what
happened. You lack of understanding of consent has caused me pain, fear,
anxiety, untrusting, and irrational behavior. Your 3 minutes of pleasure
are the main cause of my nightmares, panic attacks and my overall
hopelessness. I am angry scared and full of shame because I often question
what I could have done but I guess that is what rape culture does in
America causes me to question myself rather then you. I live everyday as a
struggle in ways I have never known to struggle while you walk around and
can forget what happened. I had to get over a breakup and a rape at the
same time by the same person it is the most demeaning violating feeling I
have ever faced, because you did not understand no.